A GUIDE TO COLLEGE READINESS - FOR PARENTS
What if the best path isn’t the standard path?
What if you KNOW that college is not the right next step for your kid but don’t think a “gap year” at home is a good idea either?
What if your kid has spent some time in college and came back unexpectedly and now you REALLY know that college is not the right next step?
What about those who graduate from college and can’t find a job, or worse, think their time at college was wasted?
What if sending your kid to college and “crossing your fingers” hoping that they won’t stray from the Jesus they grew up knowing, like the statistics tell us they might, does not feel like a good option?
What if the best path isn’t the standard path? And how do you know if college is the best path?
It was exactly one of these scenarios we found ourselves in, as parents, in the fall of 2019 when our, then 21 year old, called us around 9:30 pm one October evening and let us know that he was “on his way home from college because he was withdrawing.” It was his senior year of college and for perspective, this was before Covid.
For the next 2 ½ years, he found himself on a journey where a launch into adulthood started to take on a very different path than what we all initially thought.
Hindsight is 20/20 and as I look in the rearview mirror, I see areas that we overlooked as parents in terms of what the best path might have been for our oldest son. And if there was any easy formula to follow that I could share, I would have done so by now! But here are the things that I wish we would have been more wise about as parents:
Placing higher value on the role of spiritual mentors in the lives of our children.
When a child approaches adulthood, there are questions about their faith that naturally develop. I underestimated the value of having other people in the lives of my children so they can process their doubts and fears with related to their faith. While my children had several adults that spent time with them, they lacked the 1-2 wiser adults that invested deeply in their lives.
Allowing our kids to grow in resilience through the consequence of “failure.”
I remember thinking, when my kids were young, that I just wanted them to make better choices than I did when I was their age. And whether I realized it or not, this mindset influenced what I would and wouldn’t allow my kids to try, and also influenced how quickly I would step in vs. take a watch and wait mentality to see how things would unfold. More experiences with resilience building failures would position anyone better to manage the demands and stress of college.
More experiences with resilience building failures would position anyone better to manage the demands and stress of college.
More autonomy and agency over age-appropriate life skills.
Another way to say this is less hovering by me to allow for lessons to be learned through practice.It also requires more work for me because, sometimes, I would have to invest more time teaching them how to do things instead of just doing it for them. Examples include keeping their rooms ACTUALLY clean, their bathrooms clean, teaching them to buy and cook for the family - by themselves (this assumes you are actually sitting down to eat together), making their own medical appointments including filling out the paperwork, doing their own car maintenance, their own laundry. And then, here is the hard part, letting them grow through the consequences when things aren’t done.
Asking more questions instead of offering unsolicited advice.
One thing I have learned as my kids have gotten older is to withhold my advice or opinion. Unless asked. When I REALLY want to offer advice, I ask them… “do you want my advice or do you want me to keep asking questions?”. Boy is this hard sometimes because, as moms, we all know there is something to be said about the adage that “mom knows best.” But that’s only true if they come to that conclusion themselves.
Be a fan of the best path for your new adult child. Not simply the standard path.
This certainly isn’t an exhaustive list of all the things I have learned as a parent. But these are critical when considering how ready your adult child might be to live on their own in college.
Because that is what they are doing. Living on their own.
But there is another path besides college or living at home while working or taking community college classes - sometimes referred to as a “gap year.” (SOAP BOX time…If there is no intentionality toward personal growth during this time, there is no “gap” that is being closed.)
I liken it to swimming lessons as a young kid…we didn’t throw our kids in the deep end of the pool and cross our fingers when we wanted them to swim (ex - sending them to college when they might not be ready.)
Instead, many of us took them to a teacher who allowed them to slowly experience independence and freedom in the pool by gradually removing assistance. And it wasn’t always comfortable watching this process unfold as a parent, especially if you didn’t like seeing your kids struggle.
A structured and intentional gap year should be viewed as an accelerator to a transition into adulthood, not as postponing or delaying the transition. - Gap Year Association
If your new adult child has no idea what to pursue in college, has no practice living as a new adult, would benefit from experiencing life outside of their current environment to learn about themselves, others, Jesus, and their interests, consider reaching out to us at The Gap at Sawmill Meadow. As gapyearassociation.org states, a structured and intentional gap year should be viewed as an accelerator to a transition into adulthood, not as postponing or delaying the transition.
Be a fan of the best path for your new adult child. Not simply the standard path.
THE COST OF COLLEGE
Spending money on a college education when a new adult is not ready or does not have a direction they want to pursue can become wasted money.
The maturity and personal growth gained from a guided gap experience can easily lead to a more successful and purposeful college experience where one enters being more secure in the path they want to pursue in college rather than trying to figure it out while they are there.
The research is showing that those who have a guided gap experience perform better academically in college after that experience. In fact, many universities, especially elite universities recognize the value gained from a guided gap experience and encourage their students to pursue a gap experience. A quick google search will reveal a surprising list of universities who recognize the benefit of a gap experience. And, let’s not kid ourselves, college is expensive. It isn’t the best “testing” ground for failures. Consider this:
According to the National Center for Education Statistics, (NCES,) the six-year completion rate for first-time, full-time undergraduate students who began seeking a bachelor's degree at a 4-year institution in fall 2013 was approximately 60%. This means that about 40% of these students did not complete their degree within six years. This data is pre-Covid. And I don’t know about you, but when I sent my kids to college, the target finish date (and what we saved for) was to graduate in 4 years. Maybe 5 if it was a particularly difficult degree plan. It certainly wasn’t 6 years. Yet, we found ourselves with a new adult child who took 7.5 years. I wonder what happened to those other 40% who didn’t finish in 6 years?
LET’S DO THE MATH
Let’s take 2 students and compare the cost of college. To calculate the total cost for each student, we need to consider tuition, fees, and other expenses such as room and board, books, and supplies.
Assumptions:
Annual tuition and fees for the public 4-year university: $10,000 (just for simplicity).
Room and board, books, and supplies: $15,000 per year.
Student A: Multiple Major Changes, 6 Years to Graduate
Tuition and fees for 6 years: $10,000/year * 6 years = $60,000
Other expenses for 6 years: $15,000/year * 6 years = $90,000
Total cost for Student A: $60,000 + $90,000 = $150,000
Student B: One Major, Graduates in 4.5 Years
Tuition and fees for 4.5 years: $10,000/year * 4.5 years = $45,000
Other expenses for 4.5 years: $15,000/year * 4.5 years = $67,500
Total cost for Student B: $45,000 + $67,500 = $112,500
That’s a $37,500 difference and does not consider the opportunity cost of delayed entry into the workforce. While taking an INTENTIONAL gap year may seem like an opportunity to become “behind” one’s peers, taking time to grow, mature, and be confident in one’s educational direction could potentially save a considerable amount of money.
Especially if one attends The Gap at Sawmill Meadow where the majority of the cost of the program is offset by those who are members of the cohort.